It's been a long while since I wrote here. Days have been packed by so many thoughts not worthy of web space, i guess. They're mainly stuffs to do here and there. Confirmations to double confirm (hehe), new order of things to take note, and lots of updates, updates, updates! Wheeeeew... terribly exhausting for a small-framed girl.

For two consecutive Sundays, we continously fail to meet even the minimum number of souls to attend the program. Frustration coupled with exhaustion, what could be worse? I knew there was something wrong going around the team. I have thought, tested, and polished every marketing/publicity strat I know eversince I got into pubcomm in college. I'm really wondering why things are not falling into places this time. Plans and execution are wel-oiled yet we don't get the results we're expecting.

I hope the recent move would bring all these failures to an end. Yes, the brilliant kuya empoy has thought of ambushing every single (and i mean those not of marital status) parishoner after every mass at the church. Of course, it all gave me the anxieties coz im not one with excellent PR skills talaga. But good thing I know how to smile wehehehe!

Honestly until now i can't come up with a good fully-made up narrative of all the sorts of things im into. Confusion goes lurking every single minute. To say that eveyday is a struggle is not quite accurate coz every second is being asked for in this spiritual battle.

One thing continues to nag me :

That with our strength and skills we may near the goal... but without Christ, we can never reach it.

This afternoon, the heavens came to greet me not with a smile but with a stern sharp look.

Of course, I'm kidding hehe...

It was like this. Today is the first week of October. Just like any up to date marketer would know, it's San Miguel Corporation's Octoberfest Celebration. Family and friends perfectly know I'm not a drinker. Not that I despise alcohol, only that I'd rather resort to rubbing alcohol instead (for sanitation of course, what were you thinking?) And the farthest I've come was for Erg Vodka. Graduate na ng Cali. So that still give me some logical point to take part in octoberfest. So just this afternoon while I was taking my pseudo-leisurely walk to the office (leisurely coz i pass by my fave mall, mega; pseudo coz im usually in a hurry walking, else malalate na'ko.), The smb tents and all the logistics of the fest were set at the mall's parking lot. That was enough sight for me to text the brothers (and sisters, as well) to join me later tonight in the celebration.

One brother replied: "Eh kase ang sabi ko sa sarili ko 2x a month lang ako mag-iinom for the CLP... eh nakadalawa nko, so next mth na ulit.."

I supposed the bros i texted would be giving the same reason had it not been for their kind hearts, so they opted not to offend me in anyway. Hehe. Once again, I felt like a B.I. (Bad Influence). Oh why, oh why oh Lord, that it has to be beer for men when they go fasting?

Why? Because shopping is for women!

Speaking of shopping, another irony of the day was the fact that Cinderella is having a mouth-watering sale today and I happened to be passing by the shop this afternoon. Double agony, pomski. Yes, I have psyched myself not to go shopping for myself every month. Maybe just once na lang from now till Dec. 2. Tha's workable. And that's sacrifice.

Most people don't believe in fasting.  I can connect with that since I was like that too years ago. Fasting for me isn't anything like earning your salvation or of the love of God ek ek. In my own personal, human sense it's simply a way of sacrificing your worldy desires because you want to focus on the work God is asking you to do (with His help, of course). Another way of seeing it is like cooperating with God. He, giving the grace; and you sacrificing a little bit of yourself to be worthy of His provision. At least for me, that's how I look at it.

So fasting may not sound really appealing, but it sure does bring good fruit. Though sometimes, it can be quite ironic and off-timed. Talking about sacrifice...

No this is not happening!!!!

SM Megamall on SALE! 50% Discount!

Whatsoever happened to my motivation for fasting?!

The lust is strongest now more than ever! This afternoon, I just came from the 12 to 1pm mass. Dashing out of the chapel as soon as the celebrant said "the mass has been offered", so as to save myself from a few peso minuses due to coming late for work the whole week. I have commited myself to attend the mid-day mass because I've been fervently praying for something, or someone for that matter. Cut it out, it's not a guy!

Going to mass is okay. Even getting late by an average of 12 minutes because of it is just fine (so 12x5 = Php 60 deduction for the week = 1 instance of deprivation of autoload). But the vow of fasting is growing harder to keep each day! What with the blessings of Google Adsense knocking at our doorstep and yes this, 3-day Mega sale!!!

Megamall, you're EVIL.

It's so easy to mistake love with the need for companionship. This is a lesson I was made to learn these past few weeks. When was that time when I wrote about my heart being alien to falling in love? And now it's going insane over different kinds of Adams! I know I should have known better.  But technically speaking, my heart seemed to have come out of its cocoon and is now flapping its wings ever so wildly. Not on one single guy though, but to many of their specie. That makes it even more complicated. It is safer to think of it as merely a chain of attraction. On a more serious note, there came days when the heart would compel my brains to get involved in its stupidity trips. It was almost close to thinking I might be inlove (disclaimer: Love is not a feeling). But the better of me always comes around (and this is blatant narcissism hehe!).

There's something about mornings that make the world a lot clearer and defined for me. It all begun when I stepped down from Izar's car and walked my way home. Hmm.... I've been right all along. I can't possibly be inlove with him (no, it ain't Izar). All this great feeling of wanting to be with him more often are simply a byproduct of the constant nagging to find myself someone to love (I'm pretty sure my officemates are laughing their heads off while reading that eeky line). Evidence of this is, like I said, is my serial attraction practices over different guys. The attention just shifts from one prince to another. Here I find thirst at some level of profound sense.

We all long for committed companionship, of a constant receiver (and source) of love and affection. Many nights I would catch myself praying for a soul with whom I can share my dreams and hopes. This time I seemed to have found a formidable being to take that highly-regarded (at least for me) role. It helps that he is just around the corner when I need him. Thing is, I am definitely sure I am giving away too much emotions for the not-so-right guy. Right, I may be wrong in stating that. There isn't any "right/ideal guy" that exists. To say it more clearly, he's not the type I want to romantically be with.

Things still remain. Thoughts of him would be in hibernation at some days while I busy myself with the others. So it ain't love after all (I told you I was right all along). I just kinda got too emotionally involved to have thought of it to be something magical. Today, and tomorrow as I predict it to be, the thirst would still persist in my throat down to my heart. Only this time, I won't be drinking from the wrong glass.

Let me take this opportunity to tell the whole world that my life is back to normal.

Hay nako, for like 1 month life was hitting hard on me. My problems seemed to be too insurmountable to handle. Thank God He is God, and thank God for my frends. Let me thank everyone who joined me in fervent prayer. And yes, no one can ever doubt that God answers prayers. To give you an update of my resuming-to-normality life status. Read on...

1. Family.

My mom's back at home! This is the phenomenal return hahaha! Not that this is the first time she did this to us, but at least now, we have better perspective of things. Now, the family is working on quality communication, and rendering MORE consideration for her. I've realized that motherhood goes beyond the physical tasks you do for your family. More than anything else, one has to be psychologically, and emotionally prepared. Despite the excruciating trial we went through, it has strengthened my faith that God will always be there for my family. This is His plan.

2. Service.

One is more vulnerable to be like Martha when one takes a leadership role in the community. Not that Martha's actions were wrong, it just won't qualify for a more meaningful service unless one continously exerts effort to commune with God. Sobrang na-burned out na'ko sa program namin sa Singles For Christ, not to mention we're not getting the results we expected. Still we thank God He helped us throw the net to catch precious souls. I felt so burnt out with all the change of plans. Flexibility can sometimes irritate. It throws all your plans down the drain. I guess the main reason for my exhaustion is the lack of spiritual nourishment I get from our household meetings. Sobrang ang tagal tagal na naming nde nakakapag usap ng mga sisses. Iba pa rin kse when you're together praying for each other. This weariness didn't last for long coz I've just visited my two sisters kanina. Hayness..... ala lang. It was such a relief to speak with girl friends in faith. I needed that. Thanks, gurls.

3. Love life.

I don't think there is much to rejoice about over this aspect of my life. Wala nga akong maisulat eh hehehe! But it is good to say that I've stucked to what I think I truly need, believe (and deserve).

4. Career.

Advertising has always been an elusive dream talaga. I remember resorting to the conclusion that SEO is not for me. Well well well, now I've come to realize that maybe I haven't touched the interesting part of SEO yet that is why I can't seem to look at it as a long-term thing for me. So now I'm disciplining myself to learn more and more of SEO and SEM (and PPC) na rin.

So there... there goes life smiling once again to me. It pays a lot that I grab a book when I feel stressed. Teka, lumilindol ngayon sa 37th floor ng building. Ang tagal ha. hehe. ayan wala na.. pero I got quite dizzy. Thank God, once again my earth is normal.

last night I was out waiting for the train at the MRT Shaw Blvd. station, when this petite, dark-toned SM sales lady approached me so non-chalantly. "Huy, san ka bababa? Sa SM Makati ka ba?", she inquired. I was still in a bit of surprise at the moment. How does one get the look of someone na mukang bababa sa SM Makati? But so as not to embarrass her, i simply answered back, "Sa south station (taft)". I said that coz i was thinking that she just wanted to know where the south and the north bound rails lie. Knowing that she has to get off at Ayala station, I simply assured her that yes, she's waiting for the right train (and we're going in the same direction).

But that's not the end of the story.

She insisted that we go inside the train together, sit with each other, and maybe chat about life. Hahahaha! Then on, I realized she didn't know her way to Ayala.

I could not imagine I was into the situation coz she talked to me like as if we were beyond familiarity. Feeling-close. I didn't mind. Though her eminent bakya language is making me feel quite embarassed. I mean there's nothing wrong speaking that way. But given that I'm a complete stranger (and she's out for a favor for that matter), I naturally expect her to be a little polite. She didn't say anything rude though, but her talkativeness (and the manner by which she does it) was getting people's attention hahaha!

And she kept complaining about the delay of the train's arrival. "ang tagal naman... Tsk... ano ba yan, talaga bang matagal?" I just sed, "hindi minsan lang yan." When the train finally arrived and the doors got opened, she signaled me to keep in close proximity with her. We haven't got in when the alarm sounded. And she PUSHED me inside. Oh yes, she did! I felt annoyed but I knew that she is capable of waging a jologs-in-front-of-the-public-war if I complained. So there, she pushed me but luckily I managed to hold onto the steel bar for my balance.

While inside the train, she asked me, "uhm, san ka galing?" sabi ko, "sa office". "ah, saan yun". "Sa (insert co. name here)". "Ah okay... so ilang taon knb?" "Hmm 22." I thought for a while, balak ko sana mag-lie but I got flattered by her response. "18? Kala ko 18 ka lang eh." yown naman eh! haha!

Then I asked, "so nde kpa nakakrating ng SM Makati?" She answered, "nka punta nko pera nagbu-bus ako. Hindi ko alam pag-MRT eh. Susunduin ko kse yung asawa ko. Dito kse sha nalipat nung nag re-shuffle."

Okay, so talambuhay eto. Anyway, I kept giving her directions na pagbaba mo, akyat ka ng stairs, then follow the chain of people, then pag-exit using your card, turn left. As I expected, she kept on making me and making herself repeat the directions. She even inquired, "bakit aakyat? Nsan ba ang SM, sa taas or sa baba?" i told her that Ayala station is inside a tunnel so she needs to use the stairs going up (shempre in Tagalog).

All the time we were inside, people were pretending they weren't eavesdropping. Yeah, right. Like you didn't hear her say she's gonna meet up with her husband sa SM.

This is just another lousy blog entry. I have nothing significant to say. So much for that MRT/SM sales lady experience.

Life has a way of throwing you at realms you're not comfortable with.... or it can also throw things at you that you can't seem to find any purpose of holding. Like what am I supposed to do with this thing?

Change is life's brother. No one can mess with it. That's just it. No one can go through life without Mr. Change.

The good news is, you also cannot push on the journey without Mr. God. And when everything seems to change, things going around in different directions, emotions packed up in a mesh of confusion, there is still someone who will never, ever change.

You won my heart again, God.