The heart has stopped beating (well, not literally). But does that ever happen to you? Have you ever found yourself to be in a state where you can't simply find yourself falling for anyone? No, I haven't turned asexual or anything of that sort. For some strangeness, here I am in an uncertain, neutral vaccuum. A vaccuum I can't seem to overcome. Sometimes it makes me wonder if unconsciously, I've been allowing myself to be stuck in this state. Have I deliberately been overstaying?
It's like this. You like some guy for a time... or maybe there's some convincing inside you that triggers your brain to think you're actually attracted. And it never holds. Later on, you hear sanity telling you it was just a deliberate attempt to like somebody (at least). There's no factor of someone-else-im-still-in-love-with here. It's just plain indifference. No feelings. No chance of falling in love. And it doesn't even go beyond girl-talk over lunch.
The manifestations range from being so apathetic towards romance films and programs. Every kind of love song plays in your desktop without you establishing a connection with the lyrics or even with the melody. My officemate/friend reah is now hesitant to tell her cute love stories with her boyfriend coz I find these stuffs corny (but hers are comedic! haha!).
What's up with my heart, i dunno? It makes me think... has it stopped beating because it has made tampo na sakin? Several times of disregarding the emotions it brings up is too cruel? Or maybe the countless times I have ignored the sweet possibilities (like as if I owe Cupid) ? These things come to mind whenever I reflect on the fact that I don't have a partner and yet I'm quite cool with that. I know a lot of women feel the same way. I just find my predicament very very strange . Probably because I usually had someone to hold hands with. Now, all I hold is my payong during the nightly rainshowers. Perhaps you'd say I might be having a happy, contented life that's why I don't need to be romanced. That can be true, still I say I find my seeming contentment strange, haha!
My heart has really been asleep for the longest time, though there's a possibility that it has turned a real snob to her owner. Someday, I'm gonna find someone to appease her.