i do not like to believe that there are some creatures or cosmic energies in the universe conspiring to deprive me of sleep.

i had to take a leave yesterday coz i had severe migraine. the last attack was back in college (when i couldnt stop crying over a guy). But now it's much worse coz im even having upset stomach. i threw up three times yesterday. see? that morbidity occurs when you dnt have enough sleep.

It was announced (though not yet confirmed as certain agreements and adjustments had to be made first), we'll be in GY shift FOREVER! everything else would be an understatement if i were to describe how i feel about this life-diminishing news... hayness. But on a positive note, Im kinda sensing something along with these terrible circumstances.... i have a good reason to resign. i'd really love to do that (if only some nice company would take me in, diba?). I probably am not supposed to write about this. but heck! there are times when i would ask the stars why am i an SEO specialist ba kase, noh? Hehehe!

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Oh yeah, i have a new pillow and i so love what's printed on it

a pillow is like

A FRIEND

YOU CAN HUG WHEN

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE,

YOU CAN CRY ON

WHEN YOU'RE SAD,

YOU CAN EMBRACE

WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY,

& YOU CAN KISS

WHEN YOU'RE IN

LOVE!

 nice noh? only that it's been falling off my lap for the ninth time and that im not supposed to sleep on it here in the office. talking about irony... having a pillow, but you can't sleep. just great, isn't?

I think i did so much complaining this week (but what can i do, this week has been hell!) see, im complaining again! Haha!

I think i have a more encouraging idea to post about next time. it'll be entitled.... why I NEED to love my work! wehehehehe!

till next rants!

This entry is long-overdue. I was in UP Los Baños last Aug 18-20 but I could't get my mind to work on a good blog entry about it when I returned to manila hehe... probably the beauty of the place and the "i-can-still-remember-these-moments" experience were simply indescribable. So let me try (for the sake of posting) to reminisce the memories of what this heart calls "home"

Shot at the 2F of Mcdo Vega (where else).

You know whenever I take a look at this pic, a certain melody comes to mind. It goes like.... "natatandaan mo pa ba..." yak! this is too cheesy. But it's true, it brings back memories of my college days. Days when I had all the time in the world to get inside Mcdo, find a good spot and doodle in my handy-dandy notebook. When I was eating lunch here before I took the pic, I was inconspicously (I hope) looking at a college couple in front of me. I dunno, I just find them real sweet. There's nothing like the tender excitement of a first romance, would you agree? I tried getting their picture but wondered how I will react if in case they caught me hehe. Nevermind.

This is Carabao Park. It's strategically located in front of the Devcom bldg where its students strategically resort to when they get bored in class. They simply go outside and breath in fresh air!

One of those cutesy kalachuchi's that fall along with your heart when you're in love... the gentle fall of the leaves on the park will always be poetic to me...

I remember plotting to bomb this building, or better yet pursuing mass murder of its professors during departmental exams. Can you guess what this place us? You got it! It's the Math Building (where brains explode when the test problems are too problematic haha!)

Hay... so there. I don't think I did justice to my LB entry. But then again, who can really capture the real meaning of the place. It varies to every UPLB graduate, I guess. For me, it'll always be the breeding ground of the youth and their idealism. It's just sad that when you hop into the ride of money-making, you realize much of those ideals remain fiction. That is why a lot of the graduates miss the place so much like as if it was already gone and far away.

As for me, I took the best of my time when I was there. Let me share with you some of my notey-notes while getting my feet converge with LB ground once again...

... For the first time in my life, I just wanted to freeze my time here. Sometimes, there is regret in wanting to leave this place so many times in the past... in wallowing over the thought that it only brought me agonizing memories of the what took place. I guess they were just too beautiful to let pass. I realized I was holding on to them, but with much remorse. Now, it breaks my heart to have thought of it that way. When indeed, amidst all the good and the bad stories, it is still a BEAUTIFUL place...

I always tell people that I find more affinity towards men who are a lot smarter, more intelligent, more opinionated (though less vocal), than I am (why settle for less, diba?). Seldom do I find these creatures coz I dont think they find me attractive. But for almost a week, I've been reading the blogsite of this someone i admire most for his intellect. Thing is, I'm declaring hindi kami bagay (as if naman type nya ko hehe)!

Probably because of the fact that he's left-brained like me.

PS: but actually he's a precious blend of both right-brainedness and left-brainedness. So the bottomline? Insecure lang siguro ako. yown!

I have a very BIG problem. I keep on judging people and I HATE IT! The feeling simply sucks coz I feel guilty afterwards. I dunno if I just envy them or am just a plain judgemental freak who think the world owes her!!!

These are the times when I really really (and I mean really HATE being me!!!!). I am supposed to be the happy-funny-good natured girl that you oughta know. Why on earth am I turning into a monster????

I've been thinking ill of people who do not reply to my impt txt msgs. For some strange reason, I can't figure out why I have little tolerance for them. Shouldn't I entertain the idea that they're out of load... or they might be asleep? or too busy like me?

Agents in the elevator. I won't be surprised if we get branded to be the company of undisciplined employees because our agents can't even respect the policy of falling in line. It's supposed to be a normal thing already. I dunno why it has gotten to my nerves many times this week. Judging these pipol to be without breeding is way too much, I think.

And why do I judge girls my age who are living the way normal young professionals live? No, I am fully contented with my life and I so love every single thing I do with my time. But why do I think these girls are wasting time on some shallow things. They're simply enjoying life, aren't they? It's me who's got the problem.

There. I'm being mean. Bad gurl!

The heart has stopped beating (well, not literally). But does that ever happen to you? Have you ever found yourself to be in a state where you can't simply find yourself falling for anyone? No, I haven't turned asexual or anything of that sort. For some strangeness, here I am in an uncertain, neutral vaccuum. A vaccuum I can't seem to overcome. Sometimes it makes me wonder if unconsciously, I've been allowing myself to be stuck in this state. Have I deliberately been overstaying?

It's like this. You like some guy for a time... or maybe there's some convincing inside you that triggers your brain to think you're actually attracted. And it never holds. Later on, you hear sanity telling you it was just a deliberate attempt to like somebody (at least). There's no factor of someone-else-im-still-in-love-with here. It's just plain indifference. No feelings. No chance of falling in love. And it doesn't even go beyond girl-talk over lunch.

The manifestations range from being so apathetic towards romance films and programs. Every kind of love song plays in your desktop without you establishing a connection with the lyrics or even with the melody. My officemate/friend reah is now hesitant to tell her cute love stories with her boyfriend coz I find these stuffs corny (but hers are comedic! haha!).

What's up with my heart, i dunno? It makes me think... has it stopped beating because it has made tampo na sakin? Several times of disregarding the emotions it brings up is too cruel? Or maybe the countless times I have ignored the sweet possibilities (like as if I owe Cupid) ? These things come to mind whenever I reflect on the fact that I don't have a partner and yet I'm quite cool with that. I know a lot of women feel the same way. I just find my predicament very very strange . Probably because I usually had someone to hold hands with. Now, all I hold is my payong during the nightly rainshowers. Perhaps you'd say I might be having a happy, contented life that's why I don't need to be romanced. That can be true, still I say I find my seeming contentment strange, haha!

My heart has really been asleep for the longest time, though there's a possibility that it has turned a real snob to her owner. Someday, I'm gonna find someone to appease her.

"In order to heal others, you have to suffer for yourself..."

- Mo. Theresa

These particular words of Mother Theresa have been my fuel the entire week. I've been in very deep hot waters for some time. To say that it's difficult is an understatement, really. To give a more apt picture, my circumstance is like a child going to school and religiously attending her classes while experiencing body fever. It's been like that for a week. Too harsh reality is to me that it feels more like ten years of tribulation.

When does a servant say it's enough? I am almost tempted to say I give up... Everyday, the struggle becomes more defined, poignant, restless. You constantly pray and ask God to make the bitterness and the pain go away. When you've almost reached a point when you can say, "okay, I've forgiven", here goes life trying to throw more of the poison. It's exhausting and draining. The worst part is the fact that you know Whom to turn to, but you can't seem to get relieved. You just make do of the grace that you have for the day.

All these you bear because you want to heal someone.

And you want more people to get healed as well.

There are things only God can do. I believe in that. My part is really on the cooperation aspect. Just do what I gotta do. Do what He's asking me to do - even if the pain is throbbing all the way!

A servant's journey will always be on the rough road. You will be subjected to specific pains. Of course, we're all walking wounded here. Nobody's spared of tears and hardships. And no one can claim that he is experiencing far greater trials than others. What I'm saying is that the tribulations of a servant are unique, and the season they choose to visit you are in correspondence to the time you're most passionate about God. It's the time when you have to suffer for yourself because you want to heal others.

Though more than anything else, I live with faith in God's unfathomable, unlimited grace for men. Even if many times it feels like there is shortage of it, deep within the Spirit consoles the poor in spirit. He tells you to: "Rise up My child. There is a battle to be won. And I will be your greatest shield."

That causes some tears as I write it here. I know God is patiently sustaining me. A sustenance that's more than enough, only if I'd look at the privilege of being called... of being called to suffer for myself because I have to heal others.